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Keep the pretty boys. I like mine a little hood.

 

Of course I know you hate me, I just don't care

 

I wish I was a Mermaid... - No Pants - No Periods -...

 

Being an adult is like sex. It can be a lot of fun but most...

 

You're only young once, but if you're stupid, you're stupid...

 

My favorite exercise at the gym is judging.

 

You had me at "we shouldn't be doing this....

 

There is no life without water, because without water,...

 

If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it...

 

Only 2 phrases can change a woman's mood. "I love you" and...

 

You say "misspelled". I say "reinvented".

 

I don't give a f**k if others don't like me. After all......

 

Mystery bruises are God's little way of saying, "Perhaps...

 

I get a lot of my cardio by speed-walking around the house...

 

What doesn't kill me, lets me recover.... Then you're fucked.

 

Who needs the hassle and frustration of raising kids when...

 

Unless you were diagnosed with a terminal illness this...

 

Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels. Except pizza. Or...

 

I'm like the long bar in tetris. When I walk into a room...

 

Please be careful. You're damaging my calmness.

 

Some people should be medicated, kept on a leash, and not...

 

I express my sexuality because I'm confident. You judge me...

 

I look forward to payday. It gives me the 20 minutes of...

 

I enjoy long walks away from people who won't shut the...

 

I see your "I'm not talking to you" and I'll raise you an...

 

Sometimes I think it's time to start trying on bathing...

 

Great. My kids told me they loved me before they went to...

 

It must be so relaxing to be stupid.