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Maturing is realizing how many things don't require your...


Beer isn't everything. Sex must also be involved.


The hardest part of my day is trying to get the cork off of...


A little FYI... I'm getting drunk with or without you.


I'm a proud supporter of messy hair and sweatpants.


I absolutely love the day before my diet starts.


I can Rise and Shine just not at the same time.


My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a...


I make everything from scratch. I scratch the label right...


Let's all celebrate 'Me Day'!


Sorry I'm not good at People-ing


I never laugh or smile until I've had my coffee.


I don't know where all this crap about me being a difficult...


You should be aware that I take my sarcasm very seriously.


You're not big boned. Bones don't jiggle when you walk.


Like a fat kid falling down a hill. That's how I roll bitches.


Whoever is trying to bring you down.... Is already below you.


Unless I owe you or your family money, it is absolutely...


Sometimes I just stop talking and it solves everything.


Before I commit to a relationship I make them use a slow...

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