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Let's go out and eat lots of food and not bitch about it...

 

I don't hate you, It's just.... actually no, f**k you.

 

You can never really say what's on your mind, when your...

 

Honey, your boobs go inside your shirt.

 

Chocolate come from cocoa, which is a tree, that makes it a...

 

Whenever you're around, I always get this strange urge to...

 

Let's be completely honest. You're not popular..... your...

 

Women are like telephones; They like to be held and talked...

 

Dear Daughters, Should I ever learn you've been twerking...

 

You're the kind of woman a guy should take to show and tell...

 

You're like a smoke detector... Really loud and f**king...

 

I don't want to brag. But I'm pretty mediocre at...

 

Sometimes I think if something so bizarre and twisted my...

 

When life gives you lemons. Sell them to buy wine.

 

Don't have phone sex. You might get hearing aids.

 

I'm just gonna sit back relax, and read a good fictional...

 

According to this serving size I'm a family of four.

 

I hate it when I think I'm buying organic vegetables, but...

 

Maturing is realizing how many things don't require your...

 

Beer isn't everything. Sex must also be involved.

 
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