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Some people say after ten shots of whiskey, I'm drunk. I...

 

I will always cherish the original misconception I had of you.

 

Thanks for just completely ignoring my texts, Facebook...

 

I was blessed with an awesome personality, a great ass,...

 

I'd like to thank the presidential election for reviving...

 

Fuck you, Disney. No Prince Charming, No Magic Carpet, No...

 

Thank you 50 Shades of Grey for driving up the cost of double...

 

December 1st: I'm thankful I won't have to see anymore...

 

Dear Captain, Thank you for turning on the "Fasten...

 

Haters: If you don't have one you're doing something wrong!

 

Thanks for posting to Facebook exactly when you'll be out...

 

Thank you for pointing out my misspelled word. You win the...

 

I don't have a "Honey-Do" list... I have an "I'll-Do-It-My-...

 

No thanks, I'm sober now.

 

Who needs friends? I have all the back stabbing, vicious,...

 

Dear Sweatpants & Hoodies, Thank you for being there for...

 

Keep calm and carry on? No Thanks! I'm going to raise some...

 

Thanks for listening to my problems and somehow making it...

 

Thanks for posting pics of what you had for dinner, the...

 

Please leave your message after the tone. Your business is...

 

You should thank God for creating gay men. If it wasn't for...

 

Dear Trojan Brand: Please stop airing your commercials...

 

I don't care what ya say bitch, I know I put the Grrrr in...

 

Oh Thanks, I noticed you've updated your status with a...

 

I just want to thank you for posting pics of you hammered...

 

God, I know you won't give me things I can’t handle, I just...

 

Thank you for your recent failure which led to my recent...