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Dear Daughters, Should I ever learn you've been twerking...

 

Sweet as sugar, Hard as ice, Hurt me once, I'll kill you...

 

You're like a smoke detector... Really loud and f**king...

 

I don't take a Beauty Nap to become Beautiful.... I take it...

 

You must be a trumpet player, 'cause you've got me all...

 

All aboard the Struggle Bus!

 

How many calories does slapping your boss in the face burn?

 

You're the kind of woman a guy should take to show and tell...

 

I don't want to brag. But I'm pretty mediocre at...

 

I'm not an angry drunk. I'm angry that I have to get...

 

Nothing haunts us like the things we didn't buy.

 

I like my coffee how I like myself: Delicious, sweet, and too...