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If I can make at least one person smile, or pee their pants...

 

The hardest part of my day is trying to get the cork off of...

 

The nicer you treat me outside the bedroom the nicer I'll...

 

I can't get out of bed. These blankets have accepted...

 

It's time for our monthly therapy sessions. Coffee, Nails,...

 

Facebook reminds me of going to a public restroom... You...

 

I farted....That is as close to me giving a shit as you're...

 

I'm sure lots of people like you dear, but I'm NOT one of them.

 

Beer isn't everything. Sex must also be involved.

 

At Walmart you can find women in full make-up and hair....

 

Happy belated birthday! I meant to call you, but I had...

 

I've noticed that you have a hard time laughing at...